A recent survey of approximately 38,701 millennials found that women are finally equal to men.
“Ever since Tina Fey was elected to congress, there’s been a total shift,” said Katie, a 23-year-old PR account manager. “My boss just gave me a 22 percent raise!” she added.
Katie speaks the truth. In recent times, women have found themselves completely equal to their male peers, professionally. Forty-eight percent of respondents speculate the shift has trickled down from business women in power. This year, 51 percent of Fortune 500 CEOs are women, compared to 4.8 percent — a celebrated record high! — in 2014. Equally awesome: half of all Hollywood movies set to shoot in 2015 will be directed by women of color.
The remaining survey respondents say we owe thanks to the government for this recent surge in equality — every employee of every job anywhere is now guaranteed 20 weeks of paid parental leave so that mom and/or dad can stay home with a new baby, be able to support said baby, and not have to worry that baby will impact later earnings. “Gone are the days when women could expect to lose about a million dollars in lifetime earnings because she had a kid,” said Brittany, an engineer at a tech start-up that was recently acquired by Snapchat. “Hooray!” she added, fist pumping with glee.
Women surveyed said they feel completely represented now that women make up 64 percent of U.S. Congress, as opposed to 18.5 percent — also a celebrated record high! — in 2013. “I totally have free reign to make choices about my own body,” said Kaitlyn, a 28-year-old slam poet. “I hear they’re gonna start giving out free birth control at Starbucks along with your grande soy latte!”
Yes, the same year Apple offered a way to listen to music on your watch, the powers that be have ensured women have basic human rights. Going beyond legislation, 96 percent of survey participants reported feeling that general societal attitudes have done a 180. “I walk around outside at night like I own the damn sidewalk!” said Jenny, a recent Manhattan transfer from Kansas. “A man tapped me on the shoulder in Chelsea the other night,” she recalls. “When I turned around, he told me that I had dropped my selfie stick a block back. He kindly returned it to me even helped me zip my bag!”
Jenny’s friend Kayla was quick to chime in with a similar anecdote. “A guy offered to buy me a drink the other night,” she said, adding, “when I told him I wasn’t interested, he told me he respected my decision and returned to his table.”
Male respondents, too, said they feel gender equality has been reached. “I found the woman who invented my favorite video game on Twitter,” said Brad, a 27-year-old T-shirt artist who plays said video games in his grandmother’s basement for 10 hours a day. “I tweeted at her to tell her how smart she is,” he added.