#saturdaysatire: We need to fix feminism so it appeals more to blokes like me

As an outspoken white upper-middle-class male, people are constantly clamouring to hear my view on feminism. Usually, dispensing feminist commentary is quite easy for me. I just pass off something I’ve already heard a woman say as if it were an original thought and then graciously accept the disproportionate amount of praise that comes my way.

But today’s task is unfortunately much more difficult.

Feminism is at a crisis point. It risks leaving behind its most valuable allies: men who have no desire to examine their own behaviour. Some people believe feminism should be about women and that’s fine, provided I am never made to feel uncomfortable or asked to change my behaviour.

Modern feminism is failing to appeal to those who, like me, make no effort to engage with or understand feminism, but strongly oppose what we presume it to mean.

All I am asking is to be held by the hand and gently led down the path towards decency, with a small reward for every step I take.

Yet this simple request is denied.

This will be shocking to you, but I have noticed that modern feminism seems single-mindedly concerned with the rights of women and hardly at all focuses on the issues facing the middle-aged, upper-middle-class man.

Sure, they claim that equality actually helps us all, but that’s not enough for me. I want to be helped more than other people.

Everyone else doesn’t know what they’re missing out on so it can’t hurt them for me to receive more help, except for when it explicitly does. I, on the other hand, have become accustomed to a certain level of care. To tear me all the way down to equal footing would not be fair.

We need to face facts – we are in the midst of a war against men. The only reason the public haven’t realised this is that news reports just about every night seem to suggest that, if anything, there’s a war waged by men against women; but you have to look beyond what’s actually happening and see what I believe is happening.

Men are being driven out of our society. We’ve recently seen the introduction of an openly, unapologetically female lead in Doctor Who, which in my opinion is an entirely unrealistic choice for the show about battling evil space garbage cans.

Already PC culture has led to women absolutely dominating one out of 13 depictions of that character. Frankly, it’s unbalanced and I won’t stand for it.

And it doesn’t stop there. We’ve seen female Ghostbusters, female traffic crossing signals, and even a female Wonder Woman which completely ruined my childhood idolisation of Wonder Dude.

All I am asking is to be held by the hand and gently led down the path towards decency, with a small reward for every step I take.

Representation matters. If young boys don’t see themselves in 100 per cent of the characters on television how are they going to grow up feeling entitled to 100 per cent of the Earth?

Do these Hollywood types honestly expect young male viewers to relate to a character based on their shared humanity instead of their gender? I mean, sure, we expect that of young female viewers, but that’s different because it’s been that way forever. These elites are clearly trying to brainwash our young men into empathising with – or even worse, admiring – women.

Fortunately, there are some people still willing to focus on the important issues. This has been made abundantly clear recently when a news story originally about domestic violence in religious communities was quickly refocused to be about the really important issue: whether the ABC hates Christianity.

This was lucky as without the quick pivoting we might have spent a few minutes discussing a frightening epidemic instead of another rehashing of the same old culture wars.

(Also, for the record, the ABC absolutely does hate Christianity. Ask yourself when was the last time Play School looked through the round window and found religion? It’s been far too long.)

It’s time we acknowledged that any moment feminism doesn’t spend either patting a man on the back or slowly laying down a line of treats to coax me towards the smallest amount of progress is a moment wasted.

I know some will be sceptical of my concern. But in truth, I am the perfect person to lead this movement. I’m ready to declare myself the King of Feminism™.

And so I wish to make this appeal to female Daily Life readers. Ask yourself how you can better express your autonomy so as to avoid frightening those of us who have had it very comfortable for a long time and are not ready to be jolted out of our soft slumber.

Next time you attempt to advance your own rights, I’m asking you to stop and think about how your push for equality can do more to help the people already benefiting from inequality.

Maybe then, when we solve every conceivable problem men like me could ever possibly experience, we can spend a couple of minutes on women before quickly getting back to men so we don’t feel left out again. Now that’s feminism.

May I have a treat now?

smh.com.au