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Early this morning, 37-year-old Toni Larkin was arrested for menacing and endangering the welfare of an entire Starbucks coffee shop after correcting someone who cut her in line. Despite earlier reports, the method in which she corrected the cutter was decidedly cranky, un-self-conscious, and not sexy. No injuries are reported at this time and the suspect is in custody.

After first attempting to handle the situation with medium sighs and purposeful coughs, Larkin firmly said in a less than apologetic voice, “Excuse me, but you cut the line.” Larkin claimed the cutter completely disregarded her and continued to say, “I really prefer that you don’t ignore me.” According to eyewitnesses, it was at this point that Larkin turned her chin up, started puffing her chest, getting red in the face, and began to look decidedly unlikeable.

“I saw my life flash before my eyes. I was so scared,” says Starbucks customer Jacob Smith, of the harrowing ordeal. “I’ve never seen a woman get mad like that; like, not in a cute way. It was like a horror movie, but real.”

Security cameras caught Larkin placing her hands on her hips, which was when things got physical. Cameras show Larkin lifting her right hand in the shape of a fist, extending her pointer finger out in front of her. She proceeds to tap the unsuspecting cutter on the shoulder in an exaggerated, slightly assholish way. Larry,* a 25-year-old law student, says he tried to intervene, but was quickly flung backward by Larkin’s stank eye.

“A woman was mean to me today,” says the stunned man. “What kind of God would let that happen?”

Fortunately, a quick-thinking Starbucks manager hit a panic button that all Starbucks’ come equipped with in the event of robberies or women who aren’t policing their every irritation. When cops showed up, one officer accidentally tackled another woman who was standing with too much confidence, but quickly realized his mistake when the woman apologized for bumping into the butt of his gun.

Cameras show Larkin dropping her finger, but then quickly opening her mouth and unleashing a line of profanity (“What the hell?”).

Fortunately, Officer Doug Mack was on the scene and spoke to her in a slow, calm voice, telling her that “this is New York City and you’re going to get cut in line, so you need to handle it like a lady.”

“I just want my coffee,” Larkin said in an firm but sweet voice. “My son is in the hospital across the street and all they have is decaf. It’s been a long night.” “That’s a good girl,” affirmed Mack; at which point the cutter, who turned out to be an undercover cop, slammed Larkin against the wall.

Larkin will be serving a five-year sentence at her Aunt Susan’s house, where she will be taught how to pour tea, curtsey, and keep her mouth shut.

From: Reductress