(Last week was Too Soon. This week is not much better but we have to get back on the horse. Where to even start. The most illuminating thing about this election cycle: opening my feed in the morning and trying to figure out what's satire and what's not. That could go either way and tells me all I need to know. And this piece right here sums it all up. God bless America.)
Since the presidential election ended, white men across America have been excited for things to finally go their way.
“We’ve been historically underrepresented,” says Gaines Dustin, an investment banker originally from Wichita, Kansas. “From the early days of our Founding Fathers through 250 years of white male presidents, our country simply hasn’t reflected people like us, so we’re thrilled to witness another white man take office for the first time. Hoo rah!”
Dustin celebrated Trump’s victory by hugging all of his male friends in solidarity.
“The values of white men have never been prioritized by society,” says Hunter Preston, embracing his close friend Dustin. “So I’m just feeling overwhelmed with relief that our voices will be heard in the White House, and not just on nearly every news channel, T.V. show, magazine and media platform ever created.”
“We’re going to make it,” a weepy-eyed Dustin cried as he used his Brooks Brothers tie to wipe away a tear from his face.
“People like us have been left behind for so long,” says Preston. “Black people have had civil rights since 1964 and gay people have had marriage rights since a year ago, but what about us? We’ve only had both of those things forever, but I believe it’s our turn to have everything we want all the time, including people never criticizing us for having those things.”
When pressed for another comment, Preston claimed he felt too moved by this once-in-a-lifetime success to speak.
“I never thought I’d see the day a white man became president,” says Dustin. “He’s going to give us a fighting chance at returning to the America I recognize – one with malt shops, where it’s legal to smoke cigars indoors and all your coworkers can call your wife ‘sweetheart’ without it being weird. You know, kind of like the 50s?”
Dustin’s friends agree.
“I’m tired of people condemning us by pointing out factual things we’ve done throughout history, like refuse to let people of color and women vote, or let other white men free even after they’ve been convicted of sexual assault,” says Preston. “For far too long, not enough of every single thing has been about us, for us and in our favor.”
Dustin nods, claiming he’s also become tired of sharing his country with people from different backgrounds.
“I’m sick of minorities demanding rights without ever once stopping to think about what I need, like the right to tell them what to do,” says Dustin. “Now that Trump’s president, for example, men will finally have control over the House, the Senate and every other fucking thing.”
Both men agreed this was exactly the type of progress they’d been waiting for.