Are you getting your makeup from a drugstore? Shame on you! You’ll never find a husband, best friend, or dream job if you’re wearing cheap Covergirl foundation. You say you can’t tell the difference? Wrong again! It’s time your makeup haul cost you hundreds of dollars, or you’re just not being a woman correctly.
Flush All of Your Cheap Makeup Down an Actual Toilet
Don’t want to buy new makeup because you already have some? Bullshit. Flush the old makeup down the toilet. If you got it for less than 50 dollars, it doesn’t even count as makeup anyway! Now take your disgusting Neutrogena-covered face into a department store for some brand new goodies.
Find An Expensive Brand That’s Right For You
There are tons of high-end make up brands. Maybe you’ll like MAC, Bobbi Brown, or Bare Minerals. Once you find a brand you like, you can dump all of your hard-earned money on it and not be a lousy woman anymore. Remember: if you can find your brand in a Walgreens, it is NOT the brand for you—unless you’re a useless spinster who’s destined to live her life alone?
Get a Professional Makeover at Sephora
Sephora is a great, expensive makeup store with a lot of high-end brands, and best of all, they do makeovers! Someone who works there can tell you which expensive products you should be putting on your face everyday if you want to be loved. Once they’re done making you over, buy every single product they put on your sad unlovable face. Who cares if it costs $800? You need this!!
Now Spend More Money
Since you’ve been using the same Wet N Wild lipstick since 2011, you probably don’t even know much about makeup to begin with. Watch a video or two of a real woman applying makeup, and take notes! Then go out and buy every single kind of makeup brush so you can keep up those beauty guru vids! Until then, you will not be whole.
Obviously, you aren’t spending enough money on beauty products and makeup because you’re going to end up a useless spinster for the rest of your life. So get out there are drop some dough on overpriced mascara so you can be a beautiful and productive member of society. And remember, if you don’t get a Naked Palette, you’re doing it wrong!!!
By feimineach / in #saturdaysatire / August 13, 2016